Slow

The cashier packing up my groceries was doing a slow, careful and methodical job. In my mind I was like, "OH MY GOSH! COULD YOU POSSIBLY GO ANY SLOWER!?!"

Then I caught myself.

So what if she goes slow? I wasn't even in a hurry for any reason. The slowness was just bugging me. Once I caught myself I realized two things. First off, she's probably doing a better than average job of packing the groceries, and secondly it was kind of calming to watch someone who seemed slow and peaceful at her work. Calming and rare.

Why do I insist on living life at warp speed? What's wrong with me?

Blah

Rob made this on his computer with his new drawing toy. I'm not sure what the drawing is exactly, but it looks kind of cool. Apparently it's entitled "Blah".

Mach 7

I always feel like I have a million things to do and they need to all be done NOW! I'm running in six directions at once - listening, talking, making lunch while I know the dryer's done and if I don't get the laundry folded in the next two minutes - but the girls need help getting their shoes off, and are freaking out, then the phone rings. I'm never going to get to that project I wanted to do today. Run! Run! Faster! Faster!

You know what? I concede the race. I can't win, so I give up. And today I tried to intentionally move a little slower all day, doing everything. I stepped on every step going down the stairs. I put one thing away at a time, after breakfast, slowly. As I consciously chewed my food at lunch it occurred to me I must swallow my food whole half the time. I think I got as much done, but was hopefully a little less tightly wound. I felt a bit more at ease.

There's an exercise - we did it in drama in school, but I've heard of it in a spiritual discipline/experiencing life kind of way - where you intentionally walk somewhere as slow as you possibly can. I mean if you could walk any slower, you're going too fast. It does weird things to your psyche. At first it's aggravating (Ahhh! This is taking for ever! It's a waist of time!), then it's interesting, calming and usually ends up being energizing.

I think I'll try it again one day. If I get time.

Generic Update

I haven't had any profound blog inspiration. I thought I'd give an update on life. Life's pretty good. Halloween was fun. Emily was Snow White and Kaylee was Spider Man. We spent last weekend at the Lake, but Rob and I both had colds. It was chilly and foggy, but nice to spend quiet time by the fire, playing games and reading.

Tuesday was a day off for Remembrance Day and Jan took the girls for a sleepover Monday night and all day Tuesday which gave Rob & I some time to ourselves. We went to the store and bought ice skates.

Dad's house is still under renovations. Shannon & Will have done a ton of work recently and Rob & I will spend some time there this weekend. I'm encouraged that we seem to be ahead of schedule. We were able to get the 2008 property taxes reduced on Dad's house. We had to actually defend our case at a hearing which was interesting. It also felt strange defending against The City. I'm with The City! I had the same pass card clipped to my waist and the guy that was presenting on behalf of The City - against us! Anyhow, we got what we asked for, so that was good.

I think that's about all I got for now. I'll shoot for greater profundity next time.

Pull of the Mundane

Sometimes I think I've changed somehow. I've learned to think in a whole new way. I know something greater, something finer, and it's not possible to go back to how I was before. Then I realize nothing could be easier than going back. The gravitational pull is towards the mundane, towards sameness. The really hard part is going forward.

It's like I somehow got myself into a fighter jet that skimmed the surface of the atmosphere. For a brief instant I was weightless and saw the stars.

I've been sucked back to the big rock by the gravitational pull. Now I'm jumping as hard as I can to reach the stars. But I need jets and some kind of rocket fuel to get there. Where do I find that stuff?

Snuggle Things

On Saturday morning Emily & Kalyee crawled into bed with me. Kaylee said she was a "snuggle fairy" with very delicate wings. Emily started out as a snuggle bug and then switched to a "snuggle guinea pig" also with very delicate fur. I was supposed to pet them both very gently.

Snuggle things are nice.

Professionally Speaking

When people talk about being "professional" - it's a word I don't really understand. I don't know what it means. I get it if something is effective, or innovative or, well done, or cool, or high quality - but I don't know what "professional" means. It sort of has a mildly negative connotation for me, now that I think of it. Corporate, stayed, distant, cold, how's it usually done - professional.

Inspiration

I shared this little thought a couple of times a the lake this summer. I thought I'd jot it down here. It's about inspiration.

There's almost no feeling that I like better the real inspiration. It fills me and makes my soul hum at a frequency that nothing else can. When it hits - I mean really hits - I feel like I can't contain it. I feel like I'm close to something that I'm desperate to touch, but can't quite. There's an ache, a longing, a drive to something unknown. It almost hurts. But it's one of the best feelings I know. A talk I heard a couple of months ago hit me that way. I actually wrote "ouch" in the margin of the ppt hand out.

2 Corinthians 5:2 - 5 says, "Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come."

The Bible talks, in a few places, about groaning as we wait for heaven. I always thought it was about how miserable life is sometimes, dreary and depressing. But when I read that recently it sounded more like how I feel when I'm inspired, not miserable!

I wondered if inspiration isn't about drawing near to the eternal, and how our spirits glow and strain within us when we are a breath away from God but don't realize it. I wonder if biblical references to groaning and longing aren't a call to find those things that truly inspire us. In that place we are closer to God and better able to reflect some of His glory earthward - even if it's a bit uncomfortable.

Music Moping

I need some new music. I'm tired of my old music. Does anyone have a favourite new song I can check out. I need help! Really.

Doodle Jag

Do you ever get on a doodle jag? Where you find yourself doodling the same thing for a while? I guess I usually have some favourite doodle or other on the go. They can last for weeks - even months. This is my current doodle that keeps turning up on scrap sheets of paper. It only works with a nice sharp pencil. As it turns out, I have two on my desk at work.

Burying Dad

On the August long-weekend we buried our dad at the Baynes Lake Cemetery.

It was a beautiful sunny day. Family and good friends came out to the graveyard in the morning and we all took turns digging. Shannon & I put Dad's ashes in the grave. Emily, Kaylee, Ella & Amy put everlastings and forget-me-nots in the grave. We added some lake water and Joan added some sweet grass. We all threw some dirt on the grave and all four girls worked for a while filling it back in as we all watched. Finally Shannon & I finished filling the grave. We watered it with the rest of the lake water and Ruth put some flowers on top.

That afternoon we had a small service at the Baynes Lake church that my great grandparents built and had a reception back at our place - the place my dad built. It was a good day. I miss my dad.

Feeling Crafty

I want to make something so badly! I just don't know what. Maybe I could just collect some supplies and see what evolves. Stuff like, crepe paper, glue, talented people, passion and imagination. And like, I dunno - scissors, water colours, dreams, vision, creativity, connections and maybe some pretty yarn.

I wish I knew what it was I wanted to make.

Currently Cool

Some things I think are cool right now!

Three podcasts that are on my iPod:

1. The Accidental Creative
2. Killer Innovations
3. Inside PR

A neat book I read:

Here Comes Everybody: The Power of Organizing Without Organizations by Clay Shirky









And the hands-down coolest ever! You must check it out! Download it! Watch it! It will change your life!

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

My Chase

Do you think it's possible God is intentionally evasive with us so we will keep seeking?

I've always felt like he was evasive with me. I've never had from him directly what I felt like I needed, or at least what I wanted. I didn't like it. It made me grumpy, but compelled me forward somehow. I got tired and frustrated, but I guess I kept going. I didn't think it (what, I'm not sure) would take so long, but I must have kept going. Just recently I looked up to realized I had been running for a while now - chasing - for a long while. But I'm stronger, more fit and gaining endurance. The chase isn't painful now. Somewhere along the line I've gained capacity for the journey and the ability to run. It feels good and the journey seems to be of greater value than I had previously thought.

And perhaps we'll never really know him this side of heaven anyway. The Bible seems to reflect that possibility. But it's not like I haven't caught glimpses - I think. So fleeting its hard to know for sure. But then, even that is provocative.

Stuffies growing spikes

So we had just put the girls to bed and Rob & I were settling down with our computers (yes I know it's anti-social, don't bug us!) and Emily came out of their room. She stood in the hall and said, "I have to tell you something."

"Go to bed," Rob said.

"But I really have to tell you!" she insisted. Rob and I looked at each other and sighed.

"Okay, come here," I said.

"Um, Kaylee licked my guy (stuffie de jour) and she says it'll grow spikes where she licked it!" Emily complained.

"She says it'll grow spikes where she licked it?" I find myself seeking clarification a lot these days.

"Yah!" Emily said emphatically. Kaylee had by now trailed out of the room to listen to the interaction as well.

"Okay, give it to my and I'll clean it, so it won't grow spikes," I said as I took the stuffie and quickly rubbed it all over.

"Okay, thanks," Emily responded taking her toy back satisfied that I'd solved the crisis.

I wish all crises were that easy to solve.

I also wish I could make things grow spikes - that's cool!

Grown Up

As I child I always assumed when I grew up I'd understand stuff. You know, life, how it worked, who I was - all that stuff. I assumed I'd be competent and confident. That's how all adults seemed to me - like they knew what was going on. I never really did.

As I moved through my late teens into young adulthood, I kept waiting for this grown-up anointing, this grown-up thing, whatever it was, to become real. In my twenties I mollified myself that I wasn't really grown up yet.

But I took a look around recently, though. I'm 36 years old. I have twin four-year-old girls, a husband, a job, a house and a mortgage. I'm getting this unnerving feeling that I'm going to have to accept the fact that I'm grown-up. But what about this dispensation of understanding stuff? What about being competent and confident?! I'm worried it might not really happen after all. Not ever. Maybe all grown-ups don't feel like they have it all together. Maybe all grown ups don't know everything! What if this is as "all-together" as I'm ever going to have it?

Why didn't anybody tell me this?!

Currently On the Dresser

Currently on Emily and Kaylee's dresser there are a few strange items. I guess it's normal stuff for four-year-olds.

1. Two baby food jars growing grass that they did as a pre-school project.
2. One sunflower plant-pot growing two plants they got as party gifts from Olivia's 5th Birthday.
3. One small blue shell from a bird's egg we found. It's in with the plant's, but it's pretty hard to see. We'd found one on the way to the park with Grandmommy, but it got squished. This particular one I found on my way to soccer. I was by myself so I put between the eyes on Talking Tree for the girls to find on their way home.
4. Two wooden elephant piggy-banks made for them by their Rob's Uncle Don.
5. A magnetic photo holder with pictures of Olivia and their two pre-school friends Emily and Trinity.

That's all for now.

Deconstrutionist Christianity

I don’t know how I got this way. Maybe being raised a-religious, in a largely modern society, caused me to be more suspicious and critical of spiritual things than some.

I came to faith later in life at age 20. The tenants of the Christian faith were, and remain, compelling to me. But so much of Christianity seems like an ill-fitting structure superimposed on my life. At first I figured I was just learning. And so I was. But I couldn’t seem to grow into it all as I thought I should. I was confused, frustrated and sometimes heartbroken. Why wasn’t my relationship with God like other peoples?

Early on there were those around me who seemed to buck the system. People who professed to be followers of Christ, but that was where the following tendencies would end. They didn’t conform well to the expected behaviors of Christian culture. (The first that comes to mind was a New Zealander I met in Africa. People questioned his salvation!) But there have been others since. They each caught my attention with their stubborn refusal to stop thinking.

I’m a bit slow so it’s taken few bonks on the head, but slowly I started to realize that perhaps some of the aspects of Christianity that seemed ill-fitting weren’t necessary at all, despite admonitions to the contrary from the pulpit and other faithful followers.

Jesus replied, "And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry…” Luke 11: 46)

As I looked around I found others who had a similar sense that something wasn’t right in their hearts as they tried to follow Christ in the prescribed methods. It’s hard to find them because they find they are rebuked quickly for asking the wrong questions, so they learn to stop asking.

It seems trendy now – to shed the Western cultural elements of this faith system in search of something truer and more authentic. I think it was a missionary friend of mine, who was questioning some of those things good Christians aren’t supposed to question, and I who started to refer to this process as “deconstruction”. We’re deconstructing our faith. Pulling off elements, examining them against scripture and personal experience and then tossing an over-abundance of them into the trash.

It’s unbelievably freeing.

Is it possible I can be a Christian – an orthodox Christian who believes the claims of the ancient creeds – and not hold with some of these lame, mindless, cookie-cutter western evangelical expressions of faith?

Yes, yes it is.

The problem, of course, the scary thing about shedding these extraneous trappings of something truer and deeper is that it exposes you. Those of us who have wildly flung the superficial cultural elements of practicing faith aside, pause at some point and find ourselves faced with the uncomfortable question, Do I really believe? When you get to the point of asking that question, really asking it, it’s a scary place because you don’t really ask any question for which the answer is self-evident. Not really. So after we’ve jettisoned the superficial, we are left with whatever is left.

Ah ha. Was it all just a rouse after all – this Christianity – this playing at church at following the rules? If it was, isn’t that worth discovering.

But what if it wasn’t all pretend, all role-playing, and meeting expectations, and fitting into a group, if it’s actually something else, isn’t that worth knowing too? And finding out what it is. What it really is? Not what they tell me it’s supposed to be?

I guess in some ways I’m just an adolescent in the faith. And so I am, 16-years a Christian now, doing all those things normal teenagers do – trying to find out who I am, and moreover, who God is.

What does it mean?!

I was at work today - at my NEW job - and I wandered into the mail room - at my NEW job - and saw this! Do you see it? There! On top of the cupboard? The little red box? Do you recognize it? It's an Operation Christmas Child shoe box! What it's doing there?! Did it follow me? How did this happen? What does it mean?!

Robot Torture

Yesterday Rob did a bit of a robot theme day for the girls. He got out their old robot costumes he made for them some time ago out of diaper wipe boxes with cut-out arm holes, mega-blocks lego, duct tape and electrical fixtures. They rented a robot movie and they each got a robot toy from Toy 'R Us.

It was Kaylee's toy that started it all.

Her robot had little motorized wheels under the bottom for propulsion. Kaylee was playing with it and put it on my head. Faster then you can say, "Danger, Will Robinson," the little wheel had sucked up my hair and wound it into the inside of the nasty creature. It was stuck fast to my scalp via very tightly wound hair.

Yes, it hurt.

Kaylee was good enough to turn the robot off so the wheels would stop turning, but it was too late. It was stuck fast, and I couldn't pull it off.

I went upstairs to Rob to seek assistance with my dilemma - a toy robot stuck to my head.

Well it took some doing. For a while we thought we'd have to smash the toy or shave a chunk of my hair off on the top of my head. But finally we worked the monster loose, and returned Kaylee's toy to her unharmed.

I've never trusted robots.

Rainwater Only

We were walking to soccer with the girls tonight and Emily looked down to see the picture of a fish painted on the curb by a sewer grate, along with the words, "Rainwater Only." Emily asked why there was a fish on the sidewalk. I said so people don't put anything down the sewer that would hurt the fish.

She said, "Oh. Like cats."

Huh. Good deductive reasoning.

"Yes," I responded. "Like cats."

A Device to Root Out Evil

So this sculpture, by artist Dennis Oppenheim, is coming to Calgary. Apparently it's very controversial and has been making a lot of people angry. By "people" of course I mean Christians. So should I be offended by this? I'm not sure. What do you think?

Old & New

I read this excerpt from a book It made me think a thought. It seems like movements, systems, and organizations are only good when they are new - or at least moving towards something new. So many are old and settled. Something about being "settled" seems to result in decay. The decay strikes at the core of the thing, undermining it's very purpose. It all starts to fall apart. What I want to know, is what happens after that - after it all falls apart.

Team Bonding

I was thinking about team bonding activities. I think they are good. Or at least harmless fun. But it seems to me actual team bonding of any significance takes place while really working together. If the team is dysfunctional, disengaged or fractured in their everyday work then I'm not sure white water rafting together is going to fix that. In fact it'll likely annoy people.

By contrast the bonds that form while depending on each other daily, in a myriad of ways, working through long-term problems, meeting deadlines, achieving victories - are real. I hesitate to say this, because I like white water rafting as much as the next person, and who doesn't want a day out of the office once in a while. But I think if a team is functioning well on a daily basis, the energy and connectivness that results makes these sorts of outings less necessary - but probably a lot more fun!

Life Without Risk

When I was 12 I went to Disneyland for the first and only time. I didn't like it that much. Maybe I was a bit too old, but it was hot, the lines were too long, and everything seemed so fake. With the Lake and riding I guess I was used to adventures being a bit more real.

I've been through an adventure or two since then and learned more about the veneer of of reality.

I guess I'm in a bit of a Douglas Copland phase just now. I recently read his first book, Generation X. The title of one of his chapters is "Adventure Without Risk is Disneyland."

Ha! I love it!

Becoming Human

I was thinking something yesterday while I was working out on the treadmill at work. I was thinking that we must believe in something strongly enough to sacrifice for it. And then we must do so. We must sacrifice. Then we become human. Otherwise we are not. We are less than. We remain asleep.

I don't know why it's so, but I think it is.

I also think it's cool we have treadmills at work.

Kiss Medicine

Today Kaylee banged her head roughhousing with Emily. After she cried for a few seconds Kaylee said, "Doctors should give kisses. Because kisses work better than anything they give, right?"

I agreed she was right.

"Doctors should learn how to give kisses," she concluded.

Things My Teachers Told Me

I remember our teachers in Jr. High used to tell us we were the cream of the crop and the leaders of tomorrow.

I remember one teacher in high school said he envied us because we would be there when the "box blew out". I knew, even then, what he meant.

I remember in University we were told that we, our generation, were unique in history, because we were "paradigm straddlers".

What if any of them were right?

New Job

I got a new job!

I work here!

The Good Fight

Since I don't currently have a cubicle wall, I'll tac things I like here. This is one I read in a book a friend of mine gave me on my departure from BGEAC.

"The good fight is the one that's fought in the name of our dreams. When we're young and our dreams first explode inside us with all of their force, we are very courageous, but we haven't yet learned how to fight. With great effort we learn how to fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat. So we turn against ourselves and do battle within. We become our own worst enemy. We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realize, or the result of our not having known enough about life. We kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight." ~ Paulo Coelho

Thanks Carmen.

Domestic Bliss & Relish

I've been off work for less than two weeks, but it's already affecting my psyche. Last week Rob mentioned the relish was too runny. So the next day I decided to strain the relish. Now it's less runny and Rob is happy... I really need a job!

This weekend I went to two preschooler birthday parties. We're kind of new at this whole "friend birthday" thing. In fact, it was our first two non-family invites. I was attending both with my darlings. Many of the same children and parents were at both.

This is of course a situation of major social importance, not so much for the children as for the parents. We were all getting to know each other - most for the first time. It's important to make a good impression. About half way through the Sunday party I realized I had my shirt on inside-out. =sigh= I seem to be able to dress myself properly to go to work!

I'm not sure how much longer I can hold down the home front.

Ships

Wow. Being unemployed, I could blog everyday. I could write such volumes of drivel that the whole internet won't be able to contain it! Yes, it's true, that's how much drivel is inside me, and that's how great my drive is to share it with the world!

So back in my cubicle space (last week when I had a cubicle space)I collected quotes I liked and put them up on my wall. I had this one that I didn't get up on the wall. I typed it out then some urgent matter must have drawn my attention and I never got back to it. I found it filed on my computer as I was cleaning up:

"If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Forever Hugs

So my last day at the BGEAC was last week. I'd been there for five and a half years. That seemed like a long time, and leaving is a big transition for me. When I got home from work on the last day Emily and Kaylee asked me if I was sad about leaving my work friends. I admitted that I was. Emily gave me a hug and said it was a special hug with all my work friends in it, and it would stick to me forever and ever. Kaylee, not to be left out, also gave me a hug with all my work friends in it that would stick to me forever and ever.

I hope my work friends don't mind being trapped in a hug forever and ever.

Hey

How the heck did "hey" become a greeting? Don't get me wrong. I like it. It's somehow less formal and more friendly even than "hi". "Hi" is pretty nice, but "hey" seems to mean something different.

Green Beans

So at dinner tonight Kaylee picked up a green bean and started rubbing herself on the neck with it.

"Kaylee, what are you doing with your bean?" I asked.

"I'm warming myself up with it."

Ah. Silly me.

Busy Busy

I'm always thrilled when the girls become occupied by some craft, or game. It's an opportunity to do one of the 439 other things I really need to do. It just seems like there's never any time. But for some reason, this time I decided to join them in their project. We painted pictures and hung them on the wall. It was fun. The 439 things didn't even go anywhere.

The Trap

At work we talk about "capturing stories". At Emily and Kaylee's preschool they have a class bear. After each class the bear goes home with a different student. They are supposed to take and/or draw pictures of the what they did with the bear. Rob took pictures and wrote captions for each. It was adorable. A simple story based on the daily activities of four-year-olds an their interactions with a bear. Engaging. A story "captured".

I used to think "capturing" was a strange way to think of producing stories. Like the stories are wild and running amok in the world around us. We need to set a trap, be very, very quiet and...BAMMO! Got one!

Now I'm not sure that's too far off. Stories are everywhere and we don't always see them - like the perspective of an average day from the point-of-view of a stuffed animal. Or simple accomplishments or the flow of our lives. Stories everywhere. Only we don't often realize it. They are evasive quarry - these stories. They are good at sneaking by unnoticed.

Try setting your own story trap. I think you'll be pleased with what you catch.

Full Flight

I was thinking about exploring the back roads at the Lake. It's a bit of a family legacy for us. Our dad used to take us up the logging roads as kids and we'd find endless adventures. In recent years if we wanted to go on some such adventure we'd ask Dad where to go and how to get there. With the girls so little, we haven't gone too far.

I was thinking they are getting old enough to go a bit further afield now. But now Dad's gone. He won't be able to tell us where to go and how to get there. For a fleeting instant I was sad, but more because I miss my dad. Then something good began to rise up. An excitement about exploring on our own. Of course we always could have before. Nothing was stopping us, but we tended to rely on Dad's direction. I don't remember all the places we went as kids, but guess what? We get to do our own exploring! Find our way, our own adventures on the back roads for Emily and Kaylee, their cousins, their friends, and even for me.

It stands to reason, in a sad kind of way, that those who give us our wings, might not ever see us really fly. They can't. We rely on these people - of course we do. Maybe the are everything to us for a time. That's how the wings grow. But the very reliance that nurtured the wings' growth, precludes full flight. Then something changes and we take to the air. Glorious and heartbreaking all at once.

My hero Emily

Today I took Emily and Kaylee to Ikea. They wanted to go into the Ikea ball-room. (Smalland) As we were waiting in line Emily burst into seemingly spontaneous tears. I crouched down.

"Em, what's wrong?" I asked.

"I'm...scared...to...go...in!" she breathed between sobs, as only a hyperventilating four-year-old can.

"That's okay, baby-girl. You don't have to go in if you don't want to," I responded soothingly.

I'd missed the point entirely. She took a deep breath and wailed, "BUT I WANT TO!"

Being scared to do something you really want to do - I was instantly sympathetic.

"Well, you might need to be a little bit brave," I told her. "Sometimes things are scary and we need to be a little bit brave." She nodded and settled into a resolute expression that seemed a bit comical on a button-nosed pre-schooler in a ponytail. She was "a little bit brave" and had a blast in Smalland. She even stayed by herself after her sister decided she'd had enough and came out.

Today Emily is my hero.

Pink PJ'd Hockey Star

Emily was supposed to be in be in bed. When they go to bed they are allowed to play in their room for a bit until they fall asleep. We made the mistake of letting them have a nap this afternoon so they had a bit of extra energy. Emily came out of their room in her pj's with her hockey helmet on and socks on her feet (skates) and hands (mits). She wanted us to show her the part in her Brady Brady hockey story book that had the team cheer. They love the team cheer. Daddy showed her and then she went happily back to bed in her pink pj's, black hockey helmet complete with face mask, with socked feet and hands.

I was laughing. My daughter - what can I say? She comes by her strangeness naturally.