A blog of sad

I always thought “blog” was a funny word. I know it’s an abbreviation of “web log” but it reminds me more of “blob” or “glob” – “blog” so I have a “blog of sad”. The source of my sadness is not uncommon to human experience. In fact not many of us escape it in some form or other. Someone I love is dying. It’s my dad.

I’m actually sitting with him now. He’s sleeping and the nurses have told me it’s okay to use my laptop it if I don’t plug it in, or use the send receive functions. I’m wearing those weird non-latex latex hospital gloves and a mask. My dad has a super-bug and so he’s under quarantine officially. It’s weird to type with gloves on. He’s sleeping. He sleeps a lot.

The doctors have told him they can’t do anything more for him. He has been breathing with the help of a ventilator for the past month, here in the ICU. They can’t get him off it, and he can’t stay on it so, with his permission, and when he is ready, they will give him morphine to make him comfortable and remove the ventilator. The doctors say his C02 levels will rise and he’ll fall asleep – then be gone.

When they explained this to my dad, he said it all sounded pretty good, except the very last part. His attempt at humour.

So between my sister and I we spend 12 hours a day at the hospital being with my dad while old friends and family cycle through to say goodbye and wait for him to decide he’s ready. How do decide you’re “ready”? I don’t know.

I’m going to miss my dad.

That’s why I’m sad.