On my knees...

I was wondering what would take to compel me to my knees. I don’t know why, but I think about from time to time.

I remember the very first time I knelt at an alter to receive a blessing. I was 18 or 19 and just exploring the new ideas I was discovering through Christianity. I was at a Communion service and had never taken Communion, nor could then, being neither baptized nor in any legitimate way conceding to these new ideas. Not yet. I understood and respected that I wouldn’t be allowed to take the wine and bread, but the priest presiding offered an alternative. Congregants could come forward and receive a blessing. That sounded cool, and scary.

Now if you’ve ever seen a liturgical Communion or Mass, you’ll know there are some logistics involved. There’s a pattern to how people approach the alter rail, kneel, receive and return to their sets. There’s an order, so the servers don’t get confused and no one crashes into each other. I was nervous about messing up this well practiced choreography – new to the dance as I was. But I made it up there okay and knelt.

Immediately something in me reviled the action. I was surprised. I had been feeling victorious in making so far without crashing into anyone or generally embarrassing myself by messing up the process. Safe at home plate. But as soon as I landed at the alter rail I felt an intense response. It was a clenched teeth, quite, slowly enunciated reprimanded from somewhere. Almost a hiss.

Get. Off. Your. Knees!

I know for some it’s hard not to assume some diabolical creature was whispering to me (it’s my own fault I guess for using the word “hiss”), but I really think it was 100% me. I’d never before knelt in any kind of sincere act of submission to anything or anyone. Of course I stayed put and received my blessing, but I’ll never forget that spontaneous and venomous resistance to coming to my knees for the first time.

As the years passed the ritual of Holy Communion became familiar. I came to take the bread and wine, but there was less and less reaction on my part. As important as I knew and believed it was, it’s hard for those things not to become a familiar and easy action lacking any intensity – good or bad.

But I’ve often wondered what kind thing, what kind of feeling, experience, revelation or realization would cause me – compel me – for real, to my knees. Outside of a ritualized context. I imagine what it would take, what it would feel like. I think I can almost sense it. But it seems too immense, too complex, but I still feel compelled to try and imagine it. I don’t know why.

Something wrong here?

I took this picture on a missions trip to Nicaragua. The participants on the trip were a group of Canadian teens and I was tagging along to capture a story for our organization's magazine. Also along with us, was a camera crew from the U.S. head office.

This picture is taken in the main dump of Managua. Families live around the outskirts of the dump and they work collecting refuse and selling what they can to try and make a living.

Here a couple of Canadian team members stop to talk to a woman and two boys. Our camera crew finds it photo worthy and capture the moment on film.

Is it just me or is there something disturbing about this photo? I can't quite put my finger on it.

Slow

The cashier packing up my groceries was doing a slow, careful and methodical job. In my mind I was like, "OH MY GOSH! COULD YOU POSSIBLY GO ANY SLOWER!?!"

Then I caught myself.

So what if she goes slow? I wasn't even in a hurry for any reason. The slowness was just bugging me. Once I caught myself I realized two things. First off, she's probably doing a better than average job of packing the groceries, and secondly it was kind of calming to watch someone who seemed slow and peaceful at her work. Calming and rare.

Why do I insist on living life at warp speed? What's wrong with me?

Blah

Rob made this on his computer with his new drawing toy. I'm not sure what the drawing is exactly, but it looks kind of cool. Apparently it's entitled "Blah".

Mach 7

I always feel like I have a million things to do and they need to all be done NOW! I'm running in six directions at once - listening, talking, making lunch while I know the dryer's done and if I don't get the laundry folded in the next two minutes - but the girls need help getting their shoes off, and are freaking out, then the phone rings. I'm never going to get to that project I wanted to do today. Run! Run! Faster! Faster!

You know what? I concede the race. I can't win, so I give up. And today I tried to intentionally move a little slower all day, doing everything. I stepped on every step going down the stairs. I put one thing away at a time, after breakfast, slowly. As I consciously chewed my food at lunch it occurred to me I must swallow my food whole half the time. I think I got as much done, but was hopefully a little less tightly wound. I felt a bit more at ease.

There's an exercise - we did it in drama in school, but I've heard of it in a spiritual discipline/experiencing life kind of way - where you intentionally walk somewhere as slow as you possibly can. I mean if you could walk any slower, you're going too fast. It does weird things to your psyche. At first it's aggravating (Ahhh! This is taking for ever! It's a waist of time!), then it's interesting, calming and usually ends up being energizing.

I think I'll try it again one day. If I get time.

Generic Update

I haven't had any profound blog inspiration. I thought I'd give an update on life. Life's pretty good. Halloween was fun. Emily was Snow White and Kaylee was Spider Man. We spent last weekend at the Lake, but Rob and I both had colds. It was chilly and foggy, but nice to spend quiet time by the fire, playing games and reading.

Tuesday was a day off for Remembrance Day and Jan took the girls for a sleepover Monday night and all day Tuesday which gave Rob & I some time to ourselves. We went to the store and bought ice skates.

Dad's house is still under renovations. Shannon & Will have done a ton of work recently and Rob & I will spend some time there this weekend. I'm encouraged that we seem to be ahead of schedule. We were able to get the 2008 property taxes reduced on Dad's house. We had to actually defend our case at a hearing which was interesting. It also felt strange defending against The City. I'm with The City! I had the same pass card clipped to my waist and the guy that was presenting on behalf of The City - against us! Anyhow, we got what we asked for, so that was good.

I think that's about all I got for now. I'll shoot for greater profundity next time.

Pull of the Mundane

Sometimes I think I've changed somehow. I've learned to think in a whole new way. I know something greater, something finer, and it's not possible to go back to how I was before. Then I realize nothing could be easier than going back. The gravitational pull is towards the mundane, towards sameness. The really hard part is going forward.

It's like I somehow got myself into a fighter jet that skimmed the surface of the atmosphere. For a brief instant I was weightless and saw the stars.

I've been sucked back to the big rock by the gravitational pull. Now I'm jumping as hard as I can to reach the stars. But I need jets and some kind of rocket fuel to get there. Where do I find that stuff?